Throughout the last two installments of this article I have been talking about the four G’s of reconciliation. Today we talk about the third “G” which is “gently restore”. The best way I can think of to do this is to tell you a story about myself as a pastor and how I messed up on this third “G”.
For the last few years I have been on a push of some sorts to get into contact and “deal” with inactive members of the church. I would call them and most of the time leave messages for them to call me back. Almost 100% of the time they wouldn’t call back. My next step would be to send a letter to them, explaining to them the “error” of their ways and how God wants them back in church. In the letter I would ask for a response from them once again, and once again almost 100% of the time I would get no response. At the end of this frustrating process I would send what as I look back on it now sounds more like a collections letter than a “loving” letter from the pastor basically telling them that I expected them in church soon and if they didn’t come to church or at least express their intention to do so soon, that their names would be dropped from membership roles.
You can probably guess that this approach was unsuccessful to say the least. Not only did these people not come back to church, but many were so offended and hurt by my “good intentions” that in their eyes and in the eyes of many of their family members my reputation was and still is ruined. I am no longer the loving pastor to them that they need. Instead I am the judging, hurtful pastor that they never want to see or speak to again.
Was I in the right? I guess you could say that I was. I was their pastor and it was my job to “take care” of them and I was doing what I thought was right. After all, they were the ones who weren’t coming to church. They were the ones who needed correction. Weren’t they?
What good did my self righteous actions do? They did no good at all. Why? Not because I wasn’t doing my job. I was doing my job. But I wasn’t doing it in a Godly, Christian, and loving way. I was being a self righteous critic and judge instead of being a loving and caring pastor.
If any of you that I have hurt by my words and actions are out there reading this today, I would love, more than anything, to come to you to talk with you and spend time with you so that I may confess my sins to you and so that God may reconcile us.
This is a perfect example of how NOT to gently restore. First of all I wasn’t glorifying God. I was instead trying to glorify the church and myself and at the same time put down and judge the person I was supposed to love and care for. There goes the first “G” which was to “glorify God” in conflict.
I also messed up the second “G” which was “get the log out of your own eye”. The person or family had not been coming to church for a reason. Maybe I hurt them by something I said or did. Maybe someone in the church or the church in general hurt them or in some way caused their inactivity. Yet my focus was on them and not on me or the church. I was looking at the speck in their eye and forgetting all about the log in my own eye.
Then, as if the first two weren’t enough, I totally messed up the third “G”. Instead of going to them personally and restoring them gently, speaking the truth in love and spending time ministering to them in their hurt, anger or temptation, I was more concerned about their worship attendance and how that looked on them and on the church.
Certainly I cared about them. I wanted them back in worship where they could receive the good news of the Gospel and His body and blood for the forgiveness of their sins. I wanted them to see that the longer they stayed away from church the more in danger they may be of losing their faith all together. I cared about them and frankly was worried about them. Yet I didn’t show that in my words and actions.
Can you see how my approach was more than a little off? I was writing letters instead of speaking to people personally. I was judging others without first judging myself. I was not going to them gently but in a spirit of judgment and criticism. Instead of offering support and forgiveness I was offering up ultimatums and deadlines.
Oh, I could justify myself all day long. After all, the church constitution says that a person can be considered “inactive” after only six months. I wouldn’t “deal’ with people till after at least a year and a half and even longer. After all wasn’t it my job to make sure that people were holding up their end of the bargain, fulfilling the vows they made at their confirmation? After all, I was “in the right” and they were “in the wrong”.
What good does justifying oneself do? No good at all. It is God who justifies the sinner. It is God who makes things truly “right” in us. Justifying myself only caused all sorts of walls to go up between me and the people God had placed into my care.
While it may be too late for some of the relationships I have done such a good job to mess up, I thank God that he has used some wonderful loving people to correct me and ring me around to a right, Biblical and loving way of thinking so that I will do a better job to restore future broken ones. I thank god that he has kicked me in the you know what, that he has brought me down to a place of severe humility so that He may lift me up again.
As you work on your broken relationships and as you gently restore the person you love. Remember that your goal is not to justify yourself, it is not to judge, but it is to reconcile, it is to forgive, and it is to help them to restore their relationship with God. If you go to restore the person you love without glorifying God and getting the log out of your own eye first, you will not succeed. If you want them to see their sins for all the wrong reasons, you won’t be successful. If you don’t do all these things out of the pure and genuine love of Christ, it won’t work.
It is my hope and prayer that out of my mistakes and failures some good might come. It is my prayer that you will use what I have learned to reconcile your relationships and bring everlasting peace.
